Cross cultural communication is made to sound so complex you'd swear it meant dealing with aliens. The entire process is incredibly simple. When you get some of the 'right' attitude about dealing with differences, you'll reduce conflict levels, the number of your enemies and find yourself in greater demand on the social front.

Communication is all about perceptions and filters. What you and I see and experience is not reality. It's a subjective reality. Meaning we see what we're conditioned to see and experience what we're conditioned to experience and hear what we're conditioned to hear. It's a reality for us OK, but when subjected to wide group opinion it might well be that what we're experiencing is not what's being experienced by many other people 'out there.'

Subjective reality comes about because we view and relate to the world through a series of filters. Example: You use durum wheat dough to make pasta. You use a filter to produce specific pasta shapes - say spaghetti. When you turn the handle of the machine, the dough's squeezed through the spag filter and hey presto, we got spag. If you put in a penne filter, you'll get different, penne shapes.

The problem with us is that we not only see and project things in a certain way because of our filters, but we bring in information and impressions through those same filters. Meaning that we get distorted messages coming into our heads because of these filters or 'attitudes' if you want to call them that. It's the computer adage of GIGO - garbage in, garbage out.

Attitudes are a form of thinking short-hand. You don't invent a new response to every situation every day. If I mention Hitler, Mother Teresa, religion, morality, sex or ethics to a group of people and ask for an opinion, I get an incredible range of responses. Each perfectly valid for the people experiencing them. But all in the category of subjective reality. Goddit?

Our cross-cultural and racial interactions operate in exactly the same way. Most humans - black, white and in between - have two faces for cross-cultural or inter-racial communication. The one they talk about in public and the other that they think about and possibly discuss only with close friends. We're all caught in the trap of being politically correct, which is a pain because it means distortion and dishonesty - even if the motive or intention is good.

It's not OK to 'tolerate' difference. Tolerate is a horrible word. It means 'put up with'. Sort of grit your teeth and shut up. That doesn't lead to good communication. The magic word is simply this - respect. If we have respect for diversity and other cultures we'll stop almost immediately cease being judgemental.

Accept that you may not ever want to do what other cultures do - and vice versa. But if we respect their right to be and act and respond differently, we're already a good way down the road to understanding and acceptance.

You realise that if you're in a squash-playing group you're possibly culturally different from rugby fanatics? Mountain bikers are possibly not in the same clique as Sunday morning motor bike rallyists. So cross-cultural doesn't only mean cross-race. It's literally referring to anything that distinguishes or separates groups in thinking or behaviour.

If you think you're distinctive, unique or non-conformist - be careful. Even non-conformists have to conform to the rules of non-conformity to be classed as non-conformist. We all conform to some sort of criteria, guidelines, rules, norms or boundaries in order to gain and maintain acceptance by 'our' preferred groups. Try changing your behaviour too dramatically and you'll be pushed out of that group in much the same way that your immune system fights off a bacterial or viral invader in your body. The moment something's perceived to be 'foreign, it's under threat.

To deal with difference in the future, allow people to be who they are. Give them respect and the entitlement to work according to their set of rules and choices. And work creatively within the framework of their system to get on.

Carl Rogers was the father of person-centred psychology. He suggested we try giving people 'unconditional, positive regard.' Not easy. Not an event but a process. It's going to take you time. It needs effort and takes genuine commitment.

The planet would be seriously boring if we were all the same. So don't expect the communicating process across cultures to be automatic. It won't be. It's something we all have to learn. What's needed as the base ingredients are sincerity and integrity. You can't communicate with a smiling face and cynical heart. If you want acceptance of who you are, start by giving it to others also.

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About the Author

Clive is a marketing and communications stategist. He helps people and organizations make sustainable change. http://www.imbizo.com