The popular junior Democratic Senator, Barack Obama, told Time Magazine (2/20/06), "I probably always feel on some level I can persuade anybody I talk to."

Wow. I wish I could do that. How do we get other people to do what we want?

When I was a kid, my life was all commands: "Clean your room." "Get in the car." "Put some clothes on, people are coming over." And if I ever asked "why," I got the same response: "Because I said so."

Then you get a little older, and "because I said so" doesn't work like it used to. My folks had to negotiate a bit to get me in the car or to put some clothes on.

These days, “enlightened” parents often skip the command phase with their youngsters — for better or worse — and try to negotiate with them or even jump right to the highest level of influence: persuasion. A recent episode of South Park, on Comedy Central, focused on the current trend of non-commanding parents when Cartman’s mom gets help from the “Dog Whisperer” to tame her out-of-control son, but only after Cartman stumps the efforts of some Super Nannies.

The three influence methods — commanding, negotiating, and persuading — are each appropriate in different situations (though I personally wouldn't try to negotiate with a toddler who was loudly demanding a toy in Wal-Mart, it may work for some).

Remember in "The Godfather" when Don Corleone made the big-shot Hollywood producer “an offer he can’t refuse” by cutting off the head of his prize racehorse? The producer was influenced, but did the Corleones command, negotiate, or persuade him? Well, they "indirectly threatened" him by demonstrating their willingness and ability to kill him at their leisure. This example, in fact, involves a bit of all three influence methods.

When dealing with other adults, commanding is typically the least effective of the three influence methods, because we order people to do things — and who likes that? We usually command others when we are more concerned with getting the job done than we are with getting the person's buy-in. Although it is perhaps the quickest influence method, it also tends to make people resentful and usually results in reluctant compliance at best.

When we negotiate, we seek to compromise; we give a little and the other person gives a little. "I’ll do this for you if you do that for me." Negotiation occurs all the time, between politicians, between parents and children, between you and car dealers, but it has significant limitations. Negotiating is basically adversarial. Both sides meet halfway. But halfway is often half-hearted.

Persuasion is the influence method of choice when possible because it convinces others to adopt or agree to your position. Persuasion changes the way people view something. They change their behavior because they are convinced the change is the right thing to do.

The difference between persuasion and other forms of influence is that persuasion seeks to change someone's attitude, which is far from easy (kudos to Senator Obama who has great confidence in his ability to persuade).

Let’s say your boss comes to you one day and says, "You will be attending this training class next Monday and Tuesday," and walks away. What method of influence did your boss use? Right. And how does this affect your attitude toward the training?

Being commanded to do something might change your external behavior, but your internal attitude does not change. If your view of training is negative, it will remain negative. This method does not support long-term motivation and commitment. (We say that commands build a house of straw, at least with other adults.)

Let’s say your boss comes to you and says, "I’ll let you have Friday off if you attend this training class next Monday and Tuesday." What method of influence did your boss use? Right again — I’ll do this for you if you do this for me. And how does this affect your attitude toward the training?

As with being commanded, negotiation might change your external behavior, but not your internal attitude. There is a strong external motivator (keeping your job), but it doesn’t motivate high performance or ongoing commitment. (We say that negotiation builds a house of sticks.)

Let’s say you and your boss sit down together and determine that a workshop on coaching and managing performance is essential to your development as a manager and will increase your job success. Your boss convinces you that the investment of time and effort will make your work life easier. What method of influence did your boss use? Three for three — well done. And how does this affect your attitude toward the training?

You are persuaded, and your attitude moves toward your boss’s position (note that you must believe in what you’re pitching or persuasion will fail). The boss changes your external behavior and your internal attitude. (We say that persuasion builds a house of brick that holds up to the worst big bad wolves that come along.)

Attitudes drive behavior. Although persuasion requires more effort and skill, behavior driven by the right attitude and mindset rather than command and control makes a leader's life much easier in the long run. You can collaborate for a solution where both sides win, you don’t have to be in the room with sticks or carrots to get work done, and great performance is much more likely, which we could probably use more of on the Senate floor.

Maybe we can keep an eye on Senator Obama for some good influencing tips.

Dave Neal is Content Director of 4th Street Training (http://www.4thstreettraining.com).

He has over 15 years experience in adult-learning, instructional design, and leadership/ management development.

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