My late grandmother used to say; “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” I guess it was her old world way of declaring that if you’re nice to people, they’ll be nice to you.
But would her meaning also include the not so nice people at work? They’re the ones that are as familiar to you (I’m sure) as the flies were to my grandmother. Will the same approach work with those individuals?
Though it may not be spelled out in your actual job description, part of your day to day is to deal with and manage difficult people. How to do it effectively can make or break a career. So keep a jar of that sweet remedy in your desk drawer. It may come in handy.
Differences and disagreements are a natural part of working together. In a healthy organization, where there are appropriate channels and ways of expressing differences, a certain amount of disagreement—or "conflict"—is energizing and often creative.
However, when differences lead to personal confrontation, inappropriate aggression, or intolerably high levels of tension, something must be done to mitigate the tension and redirect the behaviors of those involved. This is not only a part of your job, it is also a responsibility of your managers, in partnership with an HR professional.
There’s no getting around the fact that some people are just plain difficult. And you know who they are. They come in every form, at different levels, and no workplace is immune. How you deal with a difficult person depends largely on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your professional courage. Handling conflicts and difficult people is easier when they are just generally obnoxious or when the behavior affects more than one person.
Dealing with difficult people is much tougher when they are attacking you or undermining your professional contribution.
Difficult People Come In Every Conceivable Variety
Some talk constantly and never listen. Others must always have the last word. Some coworkers fail to keep commitments. Others criticize anything that they did not create. Difficult people may compete with you for power, privilege and the spotlight. Some go way too far in courting your positive opinion—to your devaluation.
Others attempt to undermine you—making you feel as if you constantly need to watch your back. Maybe your boss plays favorites and the privileged party lords it over you. People form cliques and leave you out. Yes, difficult people and situations exist in every company—big and small. They all have one thing in common. They need to be addressed - by you! No matter what type of situation you’re in, dealing with difficult people or situations is a must.
Why You Must Deal With Difficult People
Trust me. Your situation won’t get better if you don’t do anything about it. It usually gets worse. When conflict is not dealt with, it simmers just below the surface—and often erupts counterproductively.
At first, people go into shock when they are treated unprofessionally, so take some time to understand exactly what is happening. Once you are fully aware of what is going on, do not live with that situation. It is not an option. The longer you delay taking action, the angrier you will become. And that anger can lead to so much pain that your efforts to address the situation may become irrational.
Maintain Objectivity And Emotional Control When Addressing The Problem
Constant complaining about your problem person or situation can quickly earn you the title of a whiner. Others may wonder why you are unable to solve your own problems—even if their tolerance or encouragement of the situation is part of the problem. Do yourself a world of good by maintaining objectivity, self-control, and a professional attitude.
Worst Case Scenario If You Fail to Deal With Difficult People
If you are embroiled in a constant conflict at work, you may not only get blamed for being “unable to handle the situation like a mature professional,” you may be labeled as a “difficult” person, too. This label is hard to escape and can have devastating consequences for your reputation and possibly your career.
Finally, if the situation continues to deteriorate over time, the organization and the person or persons you report to may tire of you. You may be considered “high maintenance”, or a poor leader, or unsuited for the job. That could lead to your being replaced by a more professional or cooperative person, and you could lose your job.
Dealing With the Difficult Coworker
I’m aware of companies in which all sorts of dysfunctional approaches to dealing with a difficult coworker have been tried. Putting an anonymous note in the person’s mailbox is not an option. Placing a can of deodorant on a hygiene-challenged coworker’s desk is not a productive option either.
Confronting the bully publicly can often lead to disaster. Remember, in almost all cases you need to effectively deal with your difficult coworker. So, let’s look at half a dozen of the most productive ways to do that.
Six Tips for Dealing With Difficult People
1. Start out by examining yourself. Are you sure that the other person is really the problem and that you're not overreacting? Have you always experienced difficulty with the same type of person or actions? Does a pattern exist for you in your interaction with coworkers? Do you recognize that you have hot buttons that are easily pushed? (We all do, you know.) Always start with self-examination to determine that the object of your attention really is a difficult person’s actions.
2. Explore what you are experiencing with a trusted friend or colleague. Brainstorm ways to address the situation. When you are the object of an attack, or your boss or peer seems to support the dysfunctional actions of a coworker, it is often difficult to objectively assess your options. Anger, pain, humiliation, fear and concern about making the situation worse are legitimate emotions.
Pay attention to the unspoken agreement you create when you solicit another’s assistance. It is vitally important to understand that you are committing to act, unless you both agree actions will only hurt the situation. Otherwise, you risk becoming a whiner or complainer in the eyes of your colleague.
3. Approach the person with whom you are having the problem for a private discussion. Talk to them about what you are experiencing in “I” messages. (Using “I” messages is a communication approach that focuses on your experience of the situation rather than on attacking or accusing the other person.) You can also explain to your coworker the impact of their actions on you.
4. Be pleasant and agreeable as you talk with the other person. They may not be aware of the impact of their words or actions on you. They may be learning about their impact on you for the first time. Or, they may have to consider and confront a pattern in their own interaction with people. Worst case? They may know their impact on you and deny it or try to explain it away.
Unfortunately, some difficult people just don’t care. During the discussion, attempt to reach agreement about positive and supportive actions going forward.
5. Follow up after the initial discussion. Has the behavior changed? Gotten better? Or worse? Determine whether a follow-up discussion is needed. Whether a follow-up discussion will have any impact. Decide if you want to continue to confront the difficult person by yourself. Become a peacemaker. (Decide how badly you want to make peace with the other person and how much you value your current job. Determine whether you have experienced a pattern of support from your boss and peers.)
If you answer, “yes,” to these questions, hold another discussion. If not, escalate and move to the next idea.
6. Confront your difficult coworker’s behavior publicly. Deal with the person with gentle humor or slight sarcasm. Or, make an exaggerated physical gesture. No, not that one—a salute, or place your hand over your heart to indicate a serious wounding.
You can also tell those pain-in-the-butts that you’d like them to consider important history in their decision-making or similar words expressed positively, depending on the subject. Direct confrontation does work well for some people in some situations. I don’t think it works to publicly ask the person to stop doing what they’re doing, but you can use more positive confrontational tactics. Their success for you will depend on your ability to pull these tactics off. Each of us is not spur-of-the-moment funny, but if you are, you may want to try the humor approach.
Executive Search International is a nationally recognized boutique firm providing best practice search and recruiting services to the direct marketing industry.
Les Gore, founder and managing partner is a 23-year veteran of the "recruiting wars" and who Don Libey, noted industry guru, calls "The Dean of Direct Marketing Executive Recruiters."
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